There's a javelin in my office

This summer I signed my daughter up for a track club. It is run by a family friend of ours who is nationally treasured in the track community and is an incredible woman. The club met for the first time and I saw my daughter take to the events of the day like a fish to water. She ran, jumped, and flew around like she was programmed for it.

I felt like a scout looking for the next generation of athletes to take and train through their growing years to one day be Olympians the way some countries do. Well, instead I talked with my daughter about the events and how she felt. She liked them! Even wanted to keep going!

That week again I had the feeling like I was pushing her towards something maybe I wanted her to do? Is that because I wanted her to be good at something I could have been good at? I never went out for track and field as a kid. Back then I didn't see myself as an athlete.

I started a dialogue with my dad, a 3 time Olympian in the Hammer throw, who at 69 is heading to Finland next week to compete and will most likely win for his age group in the World Masters Championship Games. I wanted to know about the events, and asked him to take me out to throw a few things. I threw the javelin, discus and hammer. Not far, but enough to see for myself that I can do something that would put me right in the competition if I wanted.

That's the question... do I want it? I could start competing in the women's masters category 35-39 in all three events, or one. Do I want my name called? To feel the anxiety, the butterflies of not knowing if my throws will go out of the sector? Step past the circle or over the line?

I set a goal for next summer to enter the Master's Nationals in Sacramento. I have been to so many meets as a spectator, but never been in one myself. I will start practicing, training a bit, and gearing up over the next year to see what I can do. It needs to be 3 things though and I have no doubt it will be:

1. fun
2. challenging
3. rewarding

For the past month I have watched my daughter run in All Comers meets and I can see some older folks who are competing as masters and I think, cool. They are getting out there. Now that I have the life experience to know I have nothing to lose, I too will get myself out there.

If my daughter loves track and field as she grows up I will be ecstatic. I love track and field. If she moves on to something else, it's ok. She will have her own journey. I have found a new one for me.

Is it just me or..?

Having diabetes isn't something you can see. Well, if I am in my bikini, then yes, you can see my insertion site with 23 inches of tubing connecting to my pump which has a fabulous "skin" sticker on it in a turquoise water design. But, without that... most people have no idea I am diabetic unless I tell them.

Type 1 is a 24 hour disease with no vacations, no coffee breaks, and no points for good behavior. It will be there regardless of if I have had a good day or bad day. If I exercised or not, and if I want it or not. Yay me.

I have never tried to hide it, in the 11 years I have had diabetes. I tell people when it comes up, just as I would tell them I have a blister on my toe from running barefoot. It is part of me.

When I go on vacation, I usually meet about 3-4 people who either are type 1 or have a family member with it. being in bathing suits exposes my "true self" and I get a total kick out of the people who come hollering over or waving me down to say "hi!" You have type 1!" and then say goodbye to the next hour while I compare stores and gadgets, etc with my new best friend.

In my little world where I live I am the only one with type 1 I know except for a friend of mine who I rarely get to see, being busy moms. I mostly get my support from my family and online with social networking sites. I can't imagine life without being able to chat and write about my day to day issues now. Anytime I need to vent or give a good report, bad report, I can write about it and hundreds of people are there to read and post back. As much as I am a "lone wolf" out here, I am not alone in cyberspace.

I have a friend who, when she was 10 had a crush on a boy. he found out she liked hi and word came back to my friend that he "would " like her back, but she has diabetes. She from that moment on, hid having diabetes from everyone. She ate pizza, candy, drank soda, and never tested or took shots in front of anyone all day. At one point she said to me she was only testing maybe once a week.

She now has had kidney failure and receive a kidney/pancreas transplant at the age of 35.technically, now she has no more diabetes, but will spend her life on immune suppressants and risks infections. Grass is greener on the diabetes side for me I think...so far at least I am complication free.

Perhaps if my friend had a way to post, blog, email - all the ways and tools we now have to get support and connect- she wouldn't have kept herself hidden for so long. I am not alone in this. I can now look at faces of people just like me in their little picture squares on my screen and know they understand. And I am grateful for that.

Chana Dal!

I want to chant that over and over to the tune of "Jai Ho" from Slumdog Millionaire....
"Chana Dal"...Chana Dal"

I have known about this little lentil/garbanzo for as long as Mendoza has been writing about diabetes- seems like- forever. It is finally time I gave it a try.

This summer I made a commitment to 40 days of yoga every morning.
I am on day 2.

But really, I usually do Vinyasa Yoga once a week at least, so this isn't going to be a huge stretch (pun) for me to accomplish. I had forgotten how much it helps me start the day off well and in a a lessened anxiety state. Having type 1 puts me in a constant state of fear.

"Am I low? High? How much insulin is on board? What if I go low on the road? What if I can't get my numbers down? " Is a constant dialogue in my head.
With yoga, those thoughts don't go away really, but get put in a corner for a while. I send them to the "naughty chair" if you will.

So along with my Summer of Yoga, I am also attempting to cook some new yoga inspired dishes. Indian, vegetarian, and the kind that will make me all stinky the next day.
I thought of Mendoza and re-read his page on Chana dal and how it is truly the best legume to eat for diabetics.

So tonight I made my now beloved Chana Dal and my numbers are GREAT!

YES!

for recipes and the page on Chana Dal go here: http://mendosa.com/chanadal.html

the Blue Pearl

This past weekend my husband and I took our daughter... we call her T G for "the girl" up to SF for an overnight. We have been going up there since she was 2, and have some rituals we love to do. We love Union Square, and eat lunch at the Rotunda. TG loves the popovers- well who doesn't?? and she dips them in her "demitasse" of consomme. Sometimes I can't believe she knew these words so young. Poor warped child thinks this is normal...

Sunday was gorgeous weather and we were headed to Golden Gate Park to show TG where we got married. - It's this little pond with grass and daisies and ducks and turtles. Very quiet and out of the way. So out of the way we didn't make it. TG's feet hurt and I had taken us through some wrong turns.

The cool part was that we went to the Japanese Tea Garden. Huge Touristy place that charges crazy money for cheap tea and no Splenda- (turning up nose).... (Diabetes humor, I apologize)

We walked around the paths and started appreciating the trees and bonsai etc.. Then we came to a little Zen rock garden and there was a bench with nobody really around. I started telling TG that this was a meditation spot. next thing you know, I am describing meditation, how to do it and we are all sitting there for like 5-10 minutes totally meditating. here this little 6 year old is super "Zenned" out and in a state of calm and happiness I hadn't seen before. She fed off of it so much- wanted to stop and meditate over and over again as we trekked through the park.

I never meditate. I only started when I was reading Eat Love Pray last year and thought it would be a really good thing for me to do to help my diabetes and my anxiety. So here I am now telling TG about the blue pearl and how people who meditate their whole lives never see it but some can and now she is on a total quest to see it.

What have I done?

Coolest part- she is free associating talking while we are walking, as she does, and she is telling us how when you meditate your questions are answered and how it helps you know right from wrong.

What!???

I was so floored. because, to me that is the reason to meditate. To let the shit filter away and just get some clarity without really thinking about anything specifically. I call it "God talk" because it is as if someone is helping you see the big picture.

I need to meditate more. I don't need to see the blue pearl. I will encourage my daughter to meditate as much as she wants. She's so cool.

sabotage

Today's post is a short one, and one that has a personal point to it, but maybe it will start an internal dialog with you as well.

Question: why do we sabotage ourselves?

Here's my conundrum: Being a diabetic, I know I need to be on the ball 90 % of the time. I allow for life to happen and enjoy when I feel it's a good thing. Like birthday cake on my birthday, bites of this and that. But- on a daily basis I am sabotaging myself slowly into what has become years of bad habits.

For some it might be alcohol, drugs, porn, you name it. With me its the "witching hour" of 8 o'clock when I have my daughter in bed and i hit the fridge. It's like a 30 minute as fast as I can eat it binge.
Now mind you, i track my calories, nutrition etc. religiously on Livestrong.com and I tend to know how many calories I have consumed for the day prior to "the feeding" and I am not really considering this a sabotage in the diet sense. What is is hurting is my blood sugars.

No matter what I count and bolus for the carbs I eat (which are low) I will always wake up in the night or next morning with high numbers. Like in the 220's. For years now.

So, I wake up, I bolus a correction on my pump, do my workout to assist the insulin to get back down, and then try to stay down the rest of the day until- "the witching hour"

I need to go to bed at 8 I think with my daughter and then I'd be SO much better for it.

My question for you: what is your sabotaging habits? How do we change our behavior? We know what we do and sometimes the reasons behind it, yet it continues. My question to myself is why do I work so damn hard all day just to kill it every night in 30 minutes of what? a taste? a full belly?

God Speed y'all

morning ritual

6am: dog whining to go out to pee, stagger out of bed. start coffee, dog cleanup potty pad. get shoes on.

6:30 wake up girl to get ready for school. rinse berries and put in little dish. gt cereal ready. napkin. mat. pour coffee with (now) almond milk. unsweetened of course despite the pounds of Splenda I consume in a day. test BG. 220. bummer. correction bolus with pump.

7:15 drive carpool to school. takes 30 minutes each way. no traffic today is a plus! Kids all singing Rhianna and Lady Gaga. cute.

8am make oatmeal and get on workout clothes. Put in Tracey Anderson DVD. put on GoWear Fit armband to track by activity today. Get on Daily Plate from www.livestrong.com to track my food today. little bolus of insulin for oatmeal.

9am feel good from the bouncing around in the living room to DVD. Wake up hubby to go for Friday coffee walk. test. bolus for coffee- 170 after walk... funky, should be lower. Must be hormonal. ( always a great excuse but in this instance it's true.)

now- heading out soon to meet kindergarten after school end of the year party.

I feel like I've had a full day already!

Tonight is First Friday in Downtown Campbell. I have to go because all the shops stay open late for buyers.

What buyers?? Nobody comes in. Ok, maybe like 5 people.
I have decided to just paint tonight instead of sitting there, and also set up and easel for my daughter too. It's way more fun that way and besides, I might as well be productive!

SO that's my day. I'll blog something super interesting tomorrow, like why we shouldn't be drinking cows milk or How my awesome hubby set up a tv in the garage so I can watch Tivo while I run.
Love you hon!

Aloha Friday!

obsessed

I watched an episode of the show 'Obsessed' this afternoon in my attempt to have some "quiet time". The show follows two people who suffer from OCD. each subject allows the camera to follow them around and capture their obsessive rituals when they are extremely anxious.

I found the show enticing because I suffer from panic disorder and have OCD tendencies. Instead of performing rituals like checking the stove, I go into full blown panic attacks that hit me seemingly out of the blue. I think it means I am not dealing with my stress well.

After watching this show I felt SO much better about my so called idiosyncrasies, and habits that I do have when I am anxious- hubby will attest to this. The guy on the show was SO compulsive he in a way was my dream of how to live. EVERYthing in his house was white, no dirt or anything out. No clutter. No anything really! Super Zen - but not in a healthy way. He was very unhappy because he couldn't' have visitors over without freaking out about them introducing germs into his space.
I'm not that bad.

I am diabetic and test my blood sugars at least 10 times a day. Seems like a lot, but lucky for me I am compulsive and type A and neurotic and a control freak, and it fits this particular disease very well. I tend to know more about diabetes than my GP's, definitely the nurses and diabetic educators. I also got my certificate in Nutrition.
So, because I test so much I need clean hands. All the time.
I wash my hands all the time. For real- all the time. Am I this way from diabetes? Would I be this way anyway? Who is to say.

Other compulsions- straightening the rug in the hall, making beds, wiping surfaces.

But compared to the guy on the show? I'm nothing! NADA.
Through exposure therapy they "cure' the people of their OCD somewhat to the point they can go back to a normal life. Kind of.

I tried Lexapro, an SSRI, recently to see if it would help with my breakthrough anxiety and help out a bit. It helped too much. I didn't care about anything! I was kind of happy to be there and that was it. I didn't take it past 3 weeks because I felt I should care and there were more drawbacks than gains, but I know now that if I ever not want to care then that's the SSRI for me!!

So to those of you out there suffering like the dude in the show, or like me a little, you are not alone. God bless those who decide to love us and live with us despite our quirkiness.